Adults' Questions & Answers
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Q: My mother passed away on December 6th, 2004, after being sick for about a month - it was unexpected. A few hours before her funeral my father had a heart attack and died. He was heart broken. They were both 68. My 8 year old daughter and her 8 year old cousin found my father on his driveway. They ran inside and got my sister and then went outside with her to discover he had died. At that time my aunt took both girls inside. We (my sisters, brother and I) were all screaming and falling to our knees. The paramedics came and tried to help him. It was like a nightmare. Two of my daughters teachers have mentioned that they are a little concerned about her and a friend of mine told me this weekend that she sees that my daughter is sad by just looking at her. My daughter follows me everywhere. Upstairs to get the wash, in the kitchen to get a drink of water, etc. I do not know what to do to help her...I also feel like she is trying to be my caregiver. When it first happened she kept repeating to me over and over again the conversation that she and her cousin had when they found my dad. I want to help my daughter. I am also trying to deal with my own grief and overwhelming sadness. Can you give me any suggestions? A: I am so sorry to learn about your father's tragic death right on top of your mother's. You and your family sound undertandably in shock. And of course your daughter is very sad. It is normal that after such a trauma she would want to be with you. She needs that feeling of safety and comfort. A parent's presence gives that reassurance. Have you looked in our Annotated Bibliography? I think that there you will find many books that will help both you and your daughter. Many of those books are in public libraries - others can be purchased through us. Are you aware we have support groups for adults? Our group adult-parents is for adults who have had a parent die. I think joining with others who are dealing with this painful loss would help ease some of your pain and give you a place to talk about how you and your daughter are doing. You can learn about our groups by going to http://griefnet.org/support/sg2.html and can join them there, as well. Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of further help. |
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Q: I need to find out how to explain to a 4 year old child with very limited talking skills that his classmate has passed away suddenly. The children at school keep asking about the little boy and I need help and if should take him to his friends funeral or at least to funeral home to let him say good bye to his friend. Thanks. A: I don't know whether this child is your son, grandchild or student. It would help if I knew. The short answer is, if you are going to have ongoing contact with this child personally, then, yes, do take him to the funeral home and let him see and touch his friend's body. There is innate, instinctual recognition of a corpse by all mammals. Seeing his friend's body will give him the information he needs better than anything verbal that can be done. As to the funeral, it depends on what sort of funeral it is. If it is highly participatory, such as people talking about the child, sending up balloons, etc., then yes, you might go. If it is mostly ritual, then probably not. That is of little relevance to a child. There are excellent books in our store to help children learn about death, books for both children and adults. Start at http://griefnet.org/library/biblio/index.html Many of these books can be found in public libraries. If you have more questions, write back with more information about your relationship to the child and I will try to help. With caring.... |
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Q: I am an elementary school teacher and have recently had a student who lost his father. Can you give me suggestions how best to help this student at school, and how to prepare the rest of my students for their classmate's return to school. A: Talk about it. That's the first, last, and most important thing to do. Bring up the subject at a time when the kids are attentive, and deal with it however the kids can. What I do is to sit on the floor and ask them to sit near me. I start with "Do you all know X's father died?" Regardless of their answers, I go ahead and tell the story as I know it: how he died, when he died, and how X must feel. Meanwhile I've been passing out drawing paper and crayons and suggest that as we're talking about this sad subject, kids might wish to make X a card or letter or picture telling them they're sorry his dad died. I also have a handy, dandy stack of books near me. If the kids aren't talking much, I read one of the books to them. A short one. I'll attach a bibliography (I'm just now working one up for our bookstore, which you can find HERE) and so what you will find there is incomplete. But I'll bet your library has some of these books on hand. I also model for the children by talking about losses I've suffered: "My mother died. I was very sad." I often go into pets, as many kids have lost pets. That's also a good way to get into body disposal questions (burial, cremation, and with fish, flushing them down the toilet! I prefer burial for ALL pets, but many kids have had fish flushed.....) When X comes back to school, he can be given the cards by the children. Maybe do something like have punch and cookies to make it a positive event. But I wouldn't push talking about death unless X feels like it. Let us know how this goes and if we can be of further help. With great caring.... |
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Q: I am a 39 year old mother of a Ben 16. and Rose and Charlotte twins, aged 10. I have had breast cancer for 6 years and I have been told this week that I have less than a year to live. My children have always been kept informed of my illness and though sad have coped with me in my poorly times and seen me keep going to work and and manage our family in the better times. My dilemma is now, how do I move this forward to help them start the grieving process whilst I am well enough to support them. I don't know what to say. I know that my husband and very supportive family and friends will be there for them but the pain of my grieving my loss of them and the emotional pain it will cause are making it difficult for me to see the best way to help them. I know I need to be honest and that I can do, but how can I help them? I would appreciate and advice that can help us move through this together. Thank you A. I am so terribly sorry to learn about your illness and about your being told that you have less than a year to live. My best friend died of breast cancer when she was not much older than you. She, like you, looked to the future of her loved ones and did many things to help us deal with her leaving us. First of all, are you in a support group for yourself? We have a support group on GriefNet (our parent site) for those with life-threatening illnesses. It is called grief-coping and you can find it at http://griefnet.org/support/sg2.html Talking to your children regularly and frequently about your death and what their lives might be like afterwards is so important. If you all can be sad together now, then your presence will be with them after you've gone and they are sad. Create memories. Gather old photos and videotapes and watch them together when it is appropriate. And begin to create a memory book with them that they can continue after you're gone. Perhaps one book for each child and one for the whole family. Thoughts, poems, photos, mementoes that will fit - put them all together. My grandmother packed and sent me over the years little boxes with family treasures in them. I still open them from time to time, and feel the crocheted place-mats and anti-macassars and re-read her instructions on how to wash them. I find the silver dollars she set aside from the last century. I read some of her personal letters that she wrote to an aunt when she was a teenager. She developed Alzheimer's before I was really old enough to appreciate her, but these items make me remember her in "her right mind." You might want to write or to videotape messages to your children for the upcoming anniversaries when they will miss you so greatly: the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without you, religious holidays, birthdays, graduations, marriages, the births of their children. I would suggest letting them know that you are doing this, so they don't have total shock when the first occasion arrives. One of my friends helped her best friend do this last autumn when she was dying. This spring my friend received one of those cards, and even though she knew that these were being put aside to be sent at future dates, it still was quite a shock to her to receive it. You will know best how to arrange these future messages for your children. Talk with your husband a lot about how the children grieve and try to foresee what they will be missing in the ways that you comfort your children now. You can explore ways that they can receive help from others in the family and in your caring community. Whatever your beliefs are about life after death, talk about them now. Find out what your children's beliefs are. Help them think about how those beliefs might or might not change after you're gone. Talk with them about funeral or memorial arrangements. The more of that you can plan now, the easier it will be on all of your family and friends. Your kids might wish to join our support group for kids, k2k. http://griefnet.org/support/SGkidsform.html is the place to go. There are several children in that group who are anticipating the death of a parent. The kids in the group are extremely supportive of each other. I am a great believer in books. You might want to browse your public library and our Bookstore here [http://griefnet.org/bookstore/index.html] for books that might help them. Expect your children to regress to earlier behaviors, both now and after you are gone. It is normal for children to retreat to an earlier time, when their worlds were safer. Finally, do not hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help. |
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Q: I am the stepmother of a lovely little 8 year old girl whose mother may well be dying. Over the past five years, she has visited her mother approximately every six weeks and for only a couple of hours at a time. There is a complicated history. The mother has advancing symptoms of MS and has also been hospitalized for mental illness for 18 months, just having been released one year ago. Her mother's family contacted her father and nearly three months ago. At that time they feared the end was near so we made the decision to take her to visit at the hospital. We tried to prepare her for what she may see however it was very shocking. Her mother was totally dibilitated ... blind, bedridden, and wailing. This child is very quiet by nature and not very expressive. She cried a couple of times after the visit but that is it. She goes through bouts of being quiet and withdrawn but will not speak of her feelings even when coaxed.She has told me that she thinks her mother is dying. What type of ongoing grieving process might we expect? She doesn't want to visit her mother again or any of her relatives. We have given her a journal to write her thoughts in and she has a couple of times. How can we help her get her feelings out?
A: What a tragic and horrible situation. How dreadful for all of you. But the wonderful news is that this sweet child has someone, you, who is looking out for her emotional needs. Indeed, we can offer many things to help. First is KIDSAID, our newly opened wing of GriefNet designed especially for and run by kids. You can find it by clicking on our front page or by going to kidsaid.com There you may find much that she, in particular, will enjoy. If she's a reader and writer, she might wish to join our support group for kids, called kids-2-kids. We check with each kid to learn whether there is an adult who is aware of what they are doing. Adults may lurk but may not participate. Thirdly you might wish to check out our Bookstore. The other one we are adding to our store. The book is caled *My Mom is Dying* and it's by Jill Westberg McNamara. I cannot imagine a better book for this age. Furthermore, there is some wonderful music out for children. The best is *Together We Can Heal* and you can find it in GriefNet's Bookstore under Music. It was written for kids and much of the performance is kids. It's very professional and has lyrics kids will listen to and draw from. And what about help for the stepmother? Our support group, grief-coping, might be a place where you can find a number of supporters. The issues that the families of seriously ill people have are pretty much similar. You'd be amazed at how many people will truly care and also have some useful ideas. Don't hesitate to write back for any further help. Our deepest caring to you all. |
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Q: What about having a message board specifically for kids who have lost a parent unexpectantly to a sudden accident or illness? A: Focusing on this type of loss is a great idea. Sudden loss is very different than an anticipated loss. We don't use message boards at GriefNet because we have found they are unsafe. Sometimes people post nasty or hurtful things and we do not find them before they cause some damage. What we do instead is have support groups. Our group, kids-to-kids, is for any kid with a major loss. Right now this group is kind of small, but when it grows bigger, we could easily start a second group, or a 3rd and 4th, for kids who want to talk to other kids about a specific type of loss. Thanks so much for the suggestion! |
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Q: Hi. My son has a friend who is 12 and lost his father to cancer about 3 months ago. The boy never talks about it. How can we help him or should we do anything/nothing? A: What an excellent question this is. So many people want to know just how to respond to someone who has had a major loss. We think that you should definitely tell him, at an appropriate moment, that you are very sorry his father died and know that he must miss him a lot. Your son's friend may not want to talk about it right then, or even say anything other than a mumble, but his heart will hear your caring. Generally people who are bereaved don't bring the subject up because they have already run into many people who don't want to talk about it or who say hurtful things. By mentioning it you let him know that you are not afraid to talk about it. By saying you're sorry, you let him know you care. By saying nothing more and letting him respond as and when he will, you let him know you are not going to force the issue on him. |
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Q: Which group could I write on advice on how to help my 7 yr old deal with the death of his grampa 1 yr ago. He was being counseled in school last year. He is still having a problem I think. I can't get him to talk to me about it. Thanks. A: There are several email-based support groups at GriefNet (KIDSAID parent organization) that would be helpful to you in dealing with your son. One would be kids-to-kids. Parents and friends of kids may write to the list with questions, though only kids can chat in general. If your son is computer literate, this might be a good place for him to come, too. The other would be for you to join grief-training, which is a place for anyone working with the bereaved, whether professional or lay. There are over 100 people in that group who would be happy to give advice. I often find that reading books works better with children his age. Kids do not usually articulate their grief. They often deal with it through reading, art, or play. I can suggest a few books for you, or him or both: "Bimmi Finds a Cat", "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf", and "Helping Children Cope with Loss" All three of these books are available through GriefNet's Bookstore. They may also be available locally at your library or bookstore. Finally, if he was getting counselling last year, perhaps you might speak with his counsellor and get some further advice. I hope some of this helps. Please let us know. |
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Q: My 19 year old son committed suicide three weeks ago. I have six other children, ages 18 to 5 year old twins. Five boys and one girl. I have been hearing that my family is now at an increased risk for suicide. What are the factors that make this so and are there ways to prevent the other children from being at risk? I would appreciate any resources you can recommend. We are also going to start family counseling in a couple of weeks. A: I am so terribly sorry to learn that your son ended his life. What an overwhelming tragedy for you and your family. Although I am a psychologist, I am not a suicidologist and so cannot comment on whether your family is at increased risk. But I can point you to a number of resources to help you. You can begin with our suicide page at our parent site, GriefNet: http://griefnet.org/resources/suicide.html There are links there to resources around the world. You might wish to join our support group for parents whose children have taken their own lives. It is called griefparents-suicide and you can join it by going to http://griefnet.org/support.dir/sg2.html Your children may wish to join our support group for kids here at KIDSAID. They can do so by going to http://griefnet.org/support/SGkidsform.html There are a number of children in that group who have experienced loss due to suicide, and they are extremely supportive of and caring for one another. I hope that your family counselling helps you all in dealing with your loss and that it makes you stronger as a family. I applaud your wisdom of seeking help for you all. Finally, I send you the very deepest sympathy of all of us here at KIDSAID and GriefNet. Do not hesitate to contact us for further help as you travel down this long hard road of bereavement. |
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Q: My husband was killed in a car accident on 12/19/98. I have two girls, 8 and 4. They were close to their dad and have missed him very much and have had times of sadness but seem to be dealing with their grief well. I have tried to follow any suggestions from reading material that I have found in helping children deal with grief and tried to keep their routine as uninterrupted as I can. I guess my question is is it normal for them to seem uneffected by their father's death? It is not that I want them to have problems but as any mother, I worry. I worry that they are holding their feelings in. The counselor I have spoke to indicated warning signs of a problem, all of which they do not have. A: I am so sorry to learn that your husband was killed. This is a terrible loss for all three of you. Your daughters are fortunate to have a mother who is concerned about their feelings and their healing. It is quite normal for children to appear, at times, unaffected by a loss. Children's grief is not constant, as an adult's is, but comes and goes. There are times when they appear not to be grieving at all. But they are. Take a look at the Dougy Center page http://www.griefnet.org/KIDSAID/dougypage.html We got permission to re-publish it here because it describes kids' grief so well. We have other resources for you through our bookstore. The Dougy Center has a publication, Helping Children Cope with Death, which you can find on [http://griefnet.org/library/biblio/children.html] We also recommend Helping Children Cope With Loss [http://griefnet.org/bookstore/tlc/tlcgroup.html] Then there are many books for children about death and loss. Check both our bookstore and your local library. I find that reading these books to a child allows for discussion and caring, as well as letting the children know that grief is normal. Finally, make sure you are getting the support you need. You might want to consider joining our support group for people who have lost their partners, run through our parent site, GriefNet. It is called grief-widowed and you can find it at http://griefnet.org/support/sg2.html Don't hesitate to write back if we can be of any further help. |
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Q: My nephew, now 19 years old, lost his father nearly 18 months ago. I thought he'd been coping with it but recently found out that he has neither come to terms with it nor has he spoken about it to anyone. He opened up to me and has said things like every moment he is not occupied, he thinks about his dad and all the things they used to do. He is clearly depressed. His father was a very good father and lived for his kids. I am willing to do everything I can to help him but not quite sure where to start. I care about him a lot and he knows it. He's intelligent and will hopefully be starting university in September but that depends on his exam results. I think first I need to help him with his depression then take it from there. Rather than be his uncle, I have told him that he's like a younger brother to me. I am 31 years old. Is there any advice you can offer me to help him? A: Your nephew's grief about his father is in fact very normal. Coming to terms with a loss such as this one, of a parent while one is still young, does not happen easily nor quickly. Thinking about his father when he is not otherwise occupied is quite understandable. Eighteen months is not a long time, considering that he'd had his father all his life. You say he is clearly depressed. By this do you mean he is sad, as you've described, or clinically depressed? A clinical depression has specific features which may include changes in appetite, sleep, libido, metabolism. It may also include the inability to be happy about anything, a desire to vegetate or to super-achieve. It is a specific biochemical disorder that can, fortunately, be treated by a physician. His regular doctor should be able to evaluate and treat him if you think this is the case. If you're not sure and want to discuss it further, just write back. If he is on line, I urge you to have him join our support group for adults who have lost a parent. There are, in fact, many younger people in that group, and it is a more appropriate place for people his age than our group at KIDSAID for kids. Just point him to http://griefnet.org/support.dir/sg2.html and he can easily join. Whether uncle or older brother, your nephew is very lucky to have you to care about him. Few of us, of any age, have someone who cares so deeply about one's feelings. Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help, now or in the future. |
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Q: My mother and grandmother passed away three years ago, within two months of each other, my son who was only six at the time was very close to both of them. My mother suffered a couple of strokes which really affected her not only physically but mentally. I was her main caregiver and it was a very difficult time and he saw everything that went on and of course he did not understand a lot of what grandma did and said and it really affected him. My grandmother had a broken heart I know that sounds crazy but I really believe she grieved herself to death. My grandfather died a few years before she did and she was never the same. (they had been together for sixty some years) Both really loved my son and called him thier little man he was there sunshine you could see it in thier faces. It has been three years since they passed away and he will just all of a sudden get very upset and start crying and telling me how much he misses his grandmas. Then it will escalate to he is mad at God for taking his Grandma why can't he just let him see her for just a few minutes at this point he is usually sobbing and I just don't know what to say anymore to help him out. Can you offer any help or suggestions? It breaks my heart to see him go through this and I know his heart is broke too. A: I'm so sorry to learn of your loss of both your mother and grandmother. It is hard at any age to lose such special people. Your son's reactions are both normal and deserving of more attention. Children grieve in a cyclical way - as they age, they re-work their grief from this new perspective. We adults do that as well, but the cycles are usually triggered by events, rather than growth or the passage of time. However, sometimes a birthday will set it off. The best thing you can do with your son during these upsets is to listen and to comfort. Sometimes we just have to be with them while they get their feelings out. If you can do this, be sympathetic and understanding without trying to change his feelings, that may be sufficient. You don't say, however, how you are dealing with your own grief, and this could affect your son. If you are at peace, then he can find that peace by being with you. If you are not, which would certainly be understandable, you might wish to do some things to help you deal with your own grief. One might be to join a grief support group. Our parent site, GriefNet, has a support group called adult-parents, where adults grieve the loss of their parents, grandparents, and parent figures. You can join it by going to http://griefnet.org/support.dir/sg2.html If you son likes computers, he might like to join our support group for kids, k2k. He can do it by going to http://griefnet.org/support.dir/SGkidsform.html Take a look at our page from the Dougy Center, How Children Grieve. That is certainly a good thumbnail of children's grieving. You might also want to look in the Bookstore of GriefNet, too. These suggestions may help you get started, but don't hesitate to write back if we can be of further help. |
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Q: My 45 year old husband died 2wks ago from a malignant brain tumor. My older son and I held vigil until he died. My concern is for my 14yo son who did not want to stay at the hospital. He has shared his feelings, somewhat, with 2 of his closest friends. He refuses to talk about his Dad's death to his brother or me. What are your suggestions for helping him through this? Is his reaction normal? He and his father were not always on the best of terms, and there was limited interaction between the two when my husband died. A: I'm so sorry to learn about your husband's death. What a tragic loss, both for him being so young and for you losing a young husband. This is very hard for all of you. Your younger son's reactions are both normal and he may also need some extra help. As it's only been two weeks, it's still early to evaluate his reactions. Those two weeks probably seem both like a year and like only a minute. Just letting more time pass may give you a better idea of how he is doing. If your son and your husband did not get along well, then his grief is going to be harder for him to manage. This seems always to be the case when we lose someone about whom we had strong but mixed feelings. This alone may be enough for you to consider counselling for him. A therapist who deals with adolescent grief might be appropriate. We have a support group here for kids: k2k. Your son can join it by going to http://griefnet.org/support/SGkidsform.html There are kids there of all ages, both sexes, with many different types of loss. Your son would be very welcome there, indeed. Finally, don't forget to consider yourself. You are not only widowed, you have become a single parent. How well you deal with your grief will greatly determine how well your children deal with theirs. You might wish to consider joining our support group for widowed people at our parent site, GriefNet. Just go to http://griefnet.org/support/sg2.html and look for grief-widowed. On GriefNet you also might wish to check our bookstore, at http://griefnet.org/bookstore.dir/index.html Our topical index should help you find resources for both yourself and your children. Don't hesitate to write back if we can be of any further help to you. |
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Q: My kid has this mental disease that when she's hurting she cuts herself. I don't understand why. The other day she was talking about killing herself. I know she is going to end her life. I work most of the time and I'm not there. I'm worryed about her, I love her to much to lose her. What can I do to keep her alive? A: I am so very sorry to learn your child has this particular form of illness. You need to do two things right away. The first is to make sure she is in a safe environment ALL the time and the second is to get her professional help. It is undoubtedly difficult for you to arrange both of these things, but the risk of not doing so is way too high. If you must work, are there friends, family, neighbors who can be with her? Explore EVERY alternative. For professional help, start with your family doctor. Ask for a referral to a child psychiatrist. You can also call your local community mental health association for referrals. There are people who are expert in helping children with this disorder. It may take many phone calls, but persist. I strongly recommend you suggest she join our support group for kids, K2K. She can do so by going to http://griefnet.org/support/SGkidsform.html The kids in this group are extremely supportive of each other. They seem to have the knack of pulling each other back from the brink. These are some suggestions to start with. Don't hesitate to write me back for more advice and support. |
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Q: My 18 yr old son lost his girlfirend in a pedestrian accident last Fri. They had gone together a long time and were thought to have the real thing He experienced the loss as well as the trauma. At the same time he is making lifetime decisions since college decisions must be in this week. Should we encourage him to stay in town and go away later, or should we encourage him to change locations. I don't want him to think hwe are saying just move on but i want what is best for him down the road. Much can change in 4 months. What do you suggest? A: First of all my apologies for not replying sooner to your message. It arrived here shortly after the Littleton massacre, and we are still trying to answer everything. I'm so very sorry to learn of your son's loss. It is tragic for all of you, and the loss for him not only of his girlfriend, but also for many of his dreams about the future. My advice now is the same as it would have been had I been able to answer sooner. It is that it is not possible to know what would be the best thing to do. There are pros and cons for staying in town and for going away. And it is really not possible to know right now which would be best. You are correct that much can change in four months. Try to remember that all decisions are made on the basis of insufficient data, meaning that hindsight is always better than foresight. Your son will probably go through many changes due to this loss. My concern would be to get him the support and comfort that he needs to deal with it now, and to let some of the decisions wait. It will undoubtedly be easier for him to change schools down the road than to deal with the loss of his girlfriend right now. Please let him know about the resources both here at KIDSAID and at our parent site, GriefNet. He would be welcome either in K2K or in our "widowed" support group for adults. He's at that in-between age, and we have both had older kids in KIDSAID and younger adults in grief-widowed. Have him write to me directly if he wishes. Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help. |
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Q: My husband died last year leaving me with 2 boys, who are now 6 and 2. It was a terrible time and through lots of counseling, we are all doing quite well. My concern is this: My late husband's parents have nothing to do with my sons even though we live within walking distance. I have tried to maintain contact, but so far to no avail. My oldest is starting to think his grandparents don't like him now that Daddy is dead. I have told him that they love him very much but beyond that, I am at a loss as to explain why they don't see him. How can I explain his grandparents grief in a way he'll understand? A: I'm so very sorry to learn of your husband's death. How difficult for you all to deal with this loss and the complete re-structuring of your family. I am so glad to learn that you found dounselling and that you are now doing well. Your in-laws' absence from your lives is a very painful one for your son. From what you say it seems as though they are not dealing with the loss of their son very well, if seeing their grandson is so painful that they avoid him. My intuition would be to tell your son what you think the reason really is, even if it is that they don't "know how to be sad." You can point out to your son that counselling helped you but that his grandparents haven't had that help. Or, if it is the case, you can tell your son that you just don't know why. Reassure your son that their feelings are not the result of anything that he has or has not done. Their feelings do, indeed, come as a result of his father's death. And while their behavior is tragic, it is unfortunately not uncommon. Tell him that sometimes people do this: they get so sad that they can't feel their love anymore. But let him know that this will not happen with you; that you have learned how to be sad and still feel your love for him. |
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Q: My 21 year old son was killed April 12, from a gunshot wound to the head. He has a 7 year old sister and 9 year old brother who did not ask many questions or talk much about his murder. Within the last week both of their teachers have said they have been terrible and out of control in class. In fact on one occassion both of them were sent to the principals office at the same time. This is not normal behavior for them. I talk to them and ask them what is wrong or if there is anything they want to talk about. They always respond with no nothings wrong. I don't want to punish them right now because I feel their actions could be in response to their brothers death. I also do not know how to get through to them or what I should do at this point. Do you have any suggestions? A: I am so terribly sorry to learn of your son's death. What a tragedy for you as well as your younger children. I am sure you all devastated. Your children's behavior most likely does result from their brother's death. This is quite normal and is also an indicator that they need more attention. Children often do not express their feelings directly, and often will say nothing is wrong as a way of pushing themselves further away from painful feelings. Please take a look at our page from The Dougy Center which explains children's grief so well: http://www.kidsaid.com/dougypage.html Punishment is never my first choice for finding out why children are mis-behaving, especially with the little ones. It is true, though, that they often won't tell their parents what is wrong, even when they know. In the case of such a horrific loss, I would seek professional help for them. Places to seek such help would be through local hospices, funeral homes, or community mental health centers. If you hit a dead end, write back here. If you kids are computer literate, they may wish to join our on-line support group for kids, k2k. The kids there are incredibly helpful and supportive of each other, young and old. And kids almost always feel more reassured by other kids than they do by us. Another resource to try is books to read to them. Check your public library and you can also look in the kids section of ourbookstore http://griefnet.org/library/biblio/children.html Although I write this last, the first and most important thing to do is to take care of yourself. Children follow their parents' models. This tragic loss of your son must surely be taking its toll on you, as well. Please check our support groups for adults for a place to get help for yourself. We have numerous groups for bereaved parents and for those who have lost loved ones due to violence. Just go to http://griefnet.org/support/sg2.html Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help. |
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Q: My sister died at the age of 29, last month. It was an accidental overdose, she was manic depressive/bipolar. My family is trying very hard to deal with it. My question is relating to my 13 year old daughter. She and Karly were very close, more like sisters than an aunt niece relationship. Anyhow Katie is scared now. She is scared that Karly will come back at night. She is afraid of the dark, afraid of going in her room alone. She has spoken to the minister, but she didn't say too much. She made me take the mirror out of her room. I tried to find a bereavement support group, but she doesn't fit the categories as a niece. What can I do? A: I am so terribly sorry to learn about your sister's death. What a tragic way for her to have died, especially since we are now able to treat manic depressive illnesses with medication. This is of course especially awful for Katie, given how close they were. Her fears are perfectly normal after such a shock. Many of us have such fears after a death, even when we are adults. My best advice would be to give her the comfort of contact, going into her room with her and leaving a light on at night. I'm glad you took the mirror out, as she asked. As you allow her to experience her fears, her feelings will begin to emerge. But first she needs to feel safe. You might also reassure her that if her aunt does come to her, it would not be in a scary way. It sounds as though she is reacting to the myths and beliefs about death that children her age become fascinated with. I remember when my daughter had to hold her breath when we drove past a graveyard until we passed a white house, and when she thought "ghosts" were in her room at night. Reassurance and time got her through. To learn more about how children grieve, go to our page from the Dougy Center. You will also find some resources in our Bookstore at GriefNet I think you will also be pleased to know that here we have a support group in which she would be welcome, called k2k. The kids in that group are of ages 8-18 and have experienced many different types of loss. She can join it by going to http://griefnet.org/support/SGkidsform.html |
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Q: I have to tell my grandaughter, who is ten years old that her other grandmother passed last night. I did not tell her this morning before she went to school; but will have to this afternoon. She has been living with me for the past 4 years; her older brother is living with a great aunt near us and her two younger siblings live in another State. Please help me with some words to break the news to her. Thank you. A: I am sorry you have this painful task. It sounds as though your granddaughter has been through some hard times with her family split up. The best way to tell her is just to tell her. Just say, "Grandma Brown died last night." Then pause and wait for her reaction, if you get one, and if not, go on to tell her what you know about what happened, what funeral arrangements are made, etc. There is no way to make bad news feel good or even OK, so don't worry abut it. If you let me know how old she is, I can suggest other things that might help and resources you might use. |
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Q: As an educator, how can I help my students overcome the death of classmate involved in a serious car accident? A: There are many ways to help your students deal with the death of their classmate. You don't say what age your students are, so I will give you some general suggestions which you may wish to vary accordingly. The first thing to do, of course, is to talk with them about the loss. They should be encouraged to voice their thoughts, their fears, their feelings. By sharing your feelings, you model this. Books and art are the next two methods that I prefer. You can see some of these suggestions below. With students of any age, I would recommend reading to them the books you find that are most appropriate. You can begin your search in the GriefNet Bookstore. Drawing and other forms of art work are very healing. Your students might wish to make cards for the classmate's family, or they may wish to write notes to the classmate himself that can be put on his grave, if there is one, given to his family, or simply hung on a special place in your classroom. Your students are certainly luck to have such a caring teacher in you. Finally, please realize that your students won't "overcome" this student's death; hopefully they will learn how to live with the loss. Grief never ends, but it can become more manageable. Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help. |
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Q: My 15 yr. old is having a very hard time w/ my father's death. One year ago a close friend of ours that was 92 yrs old passed away now 3 weeks ago my dad died and my 15 yr old says she is afraid to go to sleep because someone else will die. I've talked w/ her and tried to keep her active in her normal activies but she still seems depressed and sad. She has even told my mother that if something were to happen to her (my mom) that she didn't think she (my daughter) could live. I don't know what to do or say any more. Could someone Please help me HELP HER. I have worked w/ our guidance counc. here at school (but not the school my daughter attends) and she has given me several books etc to read. I'm trying but I feel I need to move FASTER. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. A: I'm so sorry to learn about your daughter's pain. It is very hard for any of us when a loved one dies, but sounds especially difficult for your daughter. Since I'm not in a position to evaluate her, let me suggest a number of things for you to consider. She might wish to join our support group for kids, kids-to-kids. If she continues to be this upset for a few more weeks, you might have your family doctor look at her. Depressive disorders can emerge any time throughout life, and often are triggered by major loss. These disorders have a medical base and often that is the first course of treatment. Usually that is accompanied by therapy with counsellor, especially one trained in bereavement. Finally, you can check our bookstore for useful items. We are adding to our topical listings every week. You don't say how you are doing with the loss of your father, but you might wish to know we have a support group here for adults who have lost parents. It is called adult-parents and you can find it at the same URL as kids-to-kids. Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help. |
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Q: My son recently lost his dad to a heart attack after surgery it was very unexpected and 3 days before this my brother commited suicide and I need to know how to deal with both of these being so close together. My son was not close to his uncle but very close to his dad and so far has not expressed very much emotion. In the past 2 months we have had a very trying time. My mother's uncle visited & ended up in the hospital and then my dad was in the hospital and then my son's dad was in the hostpital and my husband (stepfather to my son) had his son's mother die. So it has been a very trying time for us all around. I am having a hard time dealing with my own grief and dealing with all the other things so I do not know how to help my son and would appreciate some feed back. Nights seem harder for him and it almost seems like he has not accecpted the fact that his dad is gone and therefore will not so that he is upset. We do have a lot of friends who have talked to us and him and this has seemed to help because they all have gone through a relative that has died in the last couple of years but I need to know what to do to help his express his grief and signs to look for that tell me he is having problems. Any suggestions would be helpful. A: I am so terribly sorry to learn about all these losses just coming one after the other in your lives. It is no wonder that your son is overwhelmed and has not expressed much emotion. It is very common for kids to hold in their grief and to only express it once in a while. Feelings ARE harder to deal with at night. And it makes sense that he would still be wishing his father would come back. Whatever age your son is he could certainly join our support group, kids-to-kids. Here he might find others to talk to who understand. Even just reading what other kids have to say can help. If you can tell me how old he is, I can recommend some books that might help. I can also recommend some books that might help you help him deal with his losses. In all of this you don't mention how these losses affect you, but I'm sure you have very painful feelings. We have support groups at GriefNet which can help you, as well. Please go to our support groups page and check out what we have to offer. You might wish to join adult-sibs, to help you deal with your brother's suicide. Others in your family might wish to join a group, as well. We work to keep our support groups safe places in which people are safe to deal with overwhelming feelings. I hope some of this is helpful. |
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Q: If you get this on time. I am a counsellor who has been asked to quickly take on a case immediately. The children are 7 and 9 live with their mother and the father died today suddenly. I have not met the family yet. I will go over with the social worker tomorrow. We are in a very small town in the interior of BC, very little resources. The family is on social assistance. The parents split about 3 years ago. The youngest spent more time with the father. It was not suicide. This is all I know. Do you have any suggestions as to books. or approaches. I am just going to normalize as much as I can. Kids say the darnest things. Any suggestions will help It is very late in the evening. I have never worked with kids on this particular matter. divorce, moves etc... I can draw it in, but am looking for something else. A: Although I might not get this message to you right away, it will not be too late to help you, because your work with this family will not be a one-shot deal. If you have worked with children on other issues of loss, and if you have faced death personally or professionally, you will be able to deal with them on this one. The basics:
We have lots of info on our site you can browse through, and links to other sites. I'm a great believer in books, both for the kid and for the helper. ***** Don't hesitate to write back for any further help and advice. |
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Q: Hi I am writing to you for my cousin Nina. Last March her husband, who suffered from manic depression killed himself and left her with 2 small children, 5 and 7 years old. We are trying to find a peer support group for the children to join. Do you have any suggestions where to look? We are from Northern New Jersey. Any help would be appreciated. We saw your special on Nik and thought it was great, we even taped it so we could watch it again. Its is so a difficult topic, more power to you and your staff for tackling such an important issue. A: I am so sorry to learn about Nina's husband. What a tragic loss for all of you, especially the children. We do not have listings of specific ground-based support groups; just the Internet. But most hospices have or know of support groups for children. I would suggest you look under hospice in the yellow pages and call any of them for referrals. Thanks so much for your kind words about the show. We are so glad to know that we had a part in helping you. |
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Q: My wife died during childbirth leaving me with a premature baby and two slightly older siblings. My middle child who is 5 is starting to behave poorly in school. My oldest is not exhibiting any signs of grief and has handled the situation well. The three year old is healthy and has few developmental problems associated with prematurity. I need reources of all types to assist me in helping my kids. PS my mother also died when I was very young (9 months) and I was the baby of the family--seven in total. So I have issues of my own but at least I have a basic understanding of what my children may be going through. A: I am so sad to learn of your wife's tragic and untimely death. You certainly have your hands full while dealing with your own painful losses. We will do our best to help you find the resources that can aid you all in healing. First, you may wish to join a group for widowed people. This is run at our parent site, GriefNet. Just click on the Support Groups and you will find your way there. It's a truism that when caring for children, one has to first make sure that the parents are well cared for. In this group you will find many others who have lost a partner, a lot of them with children. As for your children, I think we can also be helpful in finding them resources. Your older child, and even your five year old, may find things at KIDSAID that catch their interest. Kids of any age are welcome to join kids-to-kids and the site has lots of great links. Another resource for you is the Bookstore at GriefNet. We are adding titles almost daily, so if you browse it from time to time, you are likely to find many things to help you. And finally, if you reach a dead end, write me back. |
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Q: I am the mother of two. I have a 13 month old who was only 9 months when we lost his big sister (3 yr. old) in an auto accident. I want him To know his sissy who loved him so. He knows her pictures-he sees us Grieving-I just don't know how to maintain a relationship between he and his sissy's memory since he is so young. He will probably have no conscious memory of this beautiful girl. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you A: I am so sorry to learn about the death of your daughter. What a tragic loss for your family. And what a wonderful mom you are to want to help him remember his sister and her love. We know that infants grieve, so certainly he knows his sister is gone. Photos and, if you have them, videos of his sister will help keep her memory alive for him. But since she died before your son had many language skills, his memory of her will be different than if she had died when he was two or three. Your love for your daughter is what your son will know most. He will learn from you how much she loved him, and how much you loved her. Are you aware that we have support groups for bereaved parents at our parent site, GriefNet? Don't hesitate to write back if we can be of any further help. |
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Q: My 11 year old son is having a difficult time dealing with his grief following a friends death. His friend was killed while playing Russian roulette. Our family is close to the family of the boy that died, my other two children, 14 & 10 seem to be doing fairly well. However, my 11 yr. old, still cries everyday, seems to be obsessing over details, and is depressed. (experiencing loss of appetite, falling grades, inappropriate anger, sadness) He talks of his friend frequently, and has a lot of questions concerning the circumstances surrounding his death. I have been very honest with him, and am concerned that I am not helping him as much as I could, or that there may be more that I can do. Please help, I am very concerned about him. A: I am sure your son is having a very difficult time dealing with this horrific death. All of the symptoms you describe him having are what one would expect after such a terrible loss. That does not mean, however, that this crisis will resolve itself unattended. I would encourage you to get professional help for him immediately. He is having to deal with a death that even most adults would find excruciating, and he's only a child. The type of help you seek may need to be two-fold. Ideally a child psychiatrist who is experienced in bereavement counselling would be the place to go. However, such a person may be difficult to find. In that case I would look both for counselling and for a physical evaluation by an M.D. Many of his reactions, such as loss of appetite and motivation, are symptoms of depression, and that is a physical illness, not an emotional one. Depression warrants as much medical attention as, say strep throat. It is fortunately easy to treat, though when it is accompanied by trauma, the trauma warrants psychological intervention. Please don't hesitate to write me back if I can be of further help. |
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Q: Hello. I'm hoping you can help me. I am 29 years old and have a brother who is 43, and has Down's Syndrome. We recently lost our father very suddenly. My brother "R" often doesn't express himself when he's upset, and much to my relief, he has cried over my father's passing. It has been several weeks now and he seems to be quite depressed. As he is not able to read, and won't let me read to him (being treated "like a grown up" is VERY important to him) - are there any books on tape available geared toward someone like "R" that is trying to cope with grief?? His education level is around 1st grade. Do you have any suggestions on how to help him express his feelings? I've started out by reassuring him it's ok that he feels sad and that crying doesn't make him a "baby" (this is a HUGE concern of his). I've also let him know that we can talk whenever (and if ever) he wants to. After that, I backed off because I don't want to push too hard...I would appreciate any advice that you can offer.
A: Although I don't know all the answers to your questions, this is an excellent topic for us all to learn more about. I am not highly experienced in working with the retarded, I believe that many of the things that help children would help people like your brother. I am going to offer my suggestions, and then those of some of my colleagues below. Does your brother like to draw? That is often a good way to express feelins, for people of any age. When you ask for books on tape, are you looking for books at a 1st grade level? Or would he be able to handle books written for higher ages? Because I can recommmend books, but then finding them on tape would take a little research, which you could easily do. One thing you might do is to model talking about grief, by bringing up your own feelings of sadness at times you think are appropriate. If he wishes to follow the conversation, then he will. If not, then you can just let it drop. With all of us, learning to deal with loss takes enormous repetition. We go over and over and over it in our minds. Certainly this will be just as true for your brother, if not more so. One suggestion I have for you is to consider joining our support-group, adult-parents. There you will not only get support for yourself, but you may well run into others who have retarded relatives and get some ideas there. Suggestion from a colleague: The New York State Office of Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities (44 Holland Ave., Albany 12229)has materials available regarding bereavement resources for persons with developmental disabilities. Also, articles in Journal of Pastoral Care (Vol XLI(1), 1987)"Journey into Understanding Mentally Retarded People's Experiences Around Death" and in Journal of Gerontological Social Work (Vol 13(#/4), 1989 "Group Work Experience With Mentally Retarded Adults on the Issues of Death and Dying." Also a chapter in Doka, Living With Grief: Who We Are, How We Grieve(Brunner/Mazel, 1998)on "Helping Individuals With Developmental Disabilities." Here's another suggestion from a colleague: I think there is an audio of "Freddie the Leaf" out there. It is appropriate to all ages, very simple, but profound. I can't remember who voices it, but I do remember they do an excellent job. Amazon.com has the book in audio. |
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Q: My eleven year old son is experiencing problems in school. They seem to be related to the death of his father......which was almost 5 years ago. He has gone from a straight A student in gifted classes to barely passing. My husband and my son were inseparable, and my son grieved over his death deeply, but seemed to go through all of the phases of grief with the support of family and the help of counseling. Now, I find him withdrawn and close to antisocial outside of his home environment. Is this a normal occurrance? I have him in counseling again. What more can I do to help him? A: Your son is both normal and in need of help. One of the aspects of grief which is not well known is that grief repeats itself. One must re-grieve one's losses at each new stage of life. For adults this may happen at a marriage, at the loss of another significant person, at moving to a new place. With children this happens as they enter a new stage of development. Your son is nearing or entering puberty. The loss of his father takes on new aspects, and he must come to terms with the loss all over again. Getting counselling for him is excellent. That will also enable you to learn more of what is troubling him. Kids with loss often fall on their faces when they turn a new corner. When their parents don't abandon them to this new form of loss, the kids usually work it through. Your understanding of what may be underlying your son's behavior is a wonderful gift to him. Keep on being there for him and have faith in the inner child you know is there. Your son may wish to join our support group, kids-to-kids. There kids support each other and that seems to be of great help to many of them. You might wish to browse
our children's bookstore. Some suggested titles: Together We Can Heal -- an excellent musical tape. We are adding new titles to our bookstore daily, so if you check back from time to time, there should be new titles to consider. Don't hesitate to contact me if I can be of any further help. Cendra Lynn - cendra@griefnet.org
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Q: My six year old son's great grandfather died two days ago after a long battle with Parkinson's Disease. I'm concerned about how to answer my son's questions regarding what happened to his Papa, especially questions regarding burial, etc... as the body will be cremated and the ashed scattered at sea. I'm afraid that in improper explanation could cause damage to my son. I will certainly appreciate any advice you can give me. A: I'm so sorry to learn of your son's loss, and I'm glad you wrote. It just so happens that today I visited the site of one of my bereavement professional colleagues, Alan Wolfelt, and found he had posted an item about this very topic. It is an explanation that will certainly help both you and your son, and I cannot do more than to point you to it: The Mourners Corner . Please don't hesitate to write back if we can be of any further help. |